Blatantly dismissive post by my cat 11-10-13

Have you ever noticed how stupid dogs are?

Me either. I don’t even notice them at all. They suck.

I mean, I’m barely aware that dogs exist. Why should I give a flying fuck? They show up sniffing around with their big wet noses and nudge you like a pig to shit! Disgusting! But then you give them a good bitch smack with the claws poppin’ and shiiiiiiit… you don’t see them for a week.

I then I forget their stupid asses ever existed.

What’s a dog? Huh? Who cares?

I’m a fucking cat!

Mortimer

Response from my dog 11-9-13

It has come to my attention that the cat has been talking shit about me and I feel like I should speak up for myself.

First of all, I don’t lie on the couch. I’m not a lier. And what’s a couch? I don’t even know what that means. Cat’s don’t make no sense!

So now that that’s cleared up I think I’ll chew the back of my leg for a while.

That’s better.

I actually don’t have a problem with other cats. They’re pretty small and they only get annoying when you try to play with them and OUT COME THE CLAWS.

But you know who’s better? DOGS!

Dogs are so cool, when I see one taking a human for a walk I just lose my shit! I’m all, “DUDE! DUDE! HEY! IN HERE! CAN YOU HEAR ME? LET’S HANG! YOU CAN SNIFF MY BUTT!”

But the most awesomest is the humans. They’re so great. They pet me and let me walk them around town and give me treats and play fetch with me and they even pick up my shit sometimes!

I hate it when they give me a bath, but I love how good I feel when they give me a bath.

Bones are really fun to chew on.

So in closing, Mortimer is a jerk.

Max the dog

Blog Post from my cat 11/9/13

Today I had one of the best naps I can remember. I was so knocked out, man. At one point I thought I was awake for a second, but it was just a dream.

I wouldn’t have woken up when I did if I hadn’t farted. That shit was nasty. You know the kind of fart that you can feel it burn all the way down your nostrils and it feels like someone just tweaked your whiskers? Yeah. It was like that. I almost hacked up a hairball.

I don’t know why I’ve been farting so much lately, but Jesus Fish it’s haunting! It lingers like a tom’s spray when you’re in heat and he knows it. Ah...those were the days.

I hope I can get some more of that ham the big human guy was eating. That shit is awesome.

So where was I?...Oh yeah. I woke up from my nap.

In the afternoon I took another nap. That was nice. I curled up on a pillow on the big bed.

That’s right, I said it! I’m not afraid to admit it. I don’t give a fuck who knows either! I’m a cat. I could really give a shit.

I’m not trying to hide it like that stupid dog does when he’s been on the couch. As if the couch doesn’t reek of dumb dog after he’s been lying there all day. ...numb nuts. He’s fucking delusional.

He’s also dumber than a litter box full of clumps. When he gets out of the yard and wanders off, he’s too stupid to find his way home. What a fuck tard.

Well, it’s about time for me to go take a nap.

Peace out.

Mortimer the cat

Oh yeah, one more thing: Other cats suck!